Hello my ever-patient tifosi chums. As you can expect me to say. This is not good. If I were to have met you in the street at Vufflens Le Chateau before the season started and you had asked me, “Well, Herr Schumacher, what will your points total be as you head to that all-important Monaco Grand Prix at the end of May?â€￾ I would perhaps not have guessed that it would be the same total as David Coulthard.

This is not good. Red Bull may well be having Ferrari engines next year, but this year they are having Ferrari points.

To be honest with you I cannot remember in all my Formula 1 days a car having two punctures in the same race as I suffered at Barcelona. This is very extraordinary in the extreme. It almost makes me think that there was a marshal at the side of the road with a big box of nails throwing them at my car.

And let me at this point also apologise for the behaviour of the Ferrari mechanic who grabbed the global audience on my retirement. My Great Aunt Lotte in Dusseldorf was watching the television picture as I retired, trying to see if I was in a big stinky fit as I exited the car, when the hand of a mechanic grabbed the lens. She said she felt like she was being thrown back into her loose cushion sofa.

Many people are asking me my view on the BAR-Honda underweightness at Imola. I believe Max did the right thing in banning them to teach them a lesson. Of course not that you shouldn’t cheat, no. I can hardly look you in the straight face and say cheating is bad otherwise you would only say, “Mika Hakkinen, F3, Macau – Damon Hill, F1, Adelaide – Jacques Villeneuve, F1, Jerez!â€￾ No, the secret is not to get caught.

Ross has worked this one out a long time ago, it is quite simple. Make big friends and go drinking after races with Charlie Whiting. They are often having nice drinks together and Ross is making sure that Charlie pays for nothing. As a consequence if there is a wink to be tipped, Ross knows in advance.

A season ago our bargeboards used to be flexy, a tip of the wink later and they weren’t. The problem with BAR is that no-one would ever want to go drinking with Nick Fry and Geoff Willis, that is their problem.

And talking of fun nights out, is it just me or is Fernando Alonso even more boring than Kimi Raikkonen to listen to. I was accidentally listening to the press conference after the race in the Ferrari motorhome while trying to extract my foot from the locker I had kicked it into and two minutes later someone was coming in and waking me up. It is like listening to someone telling a long, boring joke with no punchline.

The dream podium for sending anyone to sleep would be Alonso, Raikkonen and Nick Heidfeld. Peter Windsor would hardly be able to hold himself conscious in the face of such teeth-grinding dullness. I believe that McLaren will be getting Johnnie Walker whiskey as a sponsor soon. Kimi ought to have some the moment he gets out of the car. We all know what he does when he is p****d as canute. That would be a first for an FIA press conference. “Here’s the winner of the race with his trousers down..â€￾

For a strange reason I am quite glad I was not on the podium at Barcelona because I would not have wanted to be anywhere near Jarno Trulli’s hair. Even The Crow has nicer hair than that, though I think on balance Jarno is still more attractive.

After the race there was a familiar rush to the press, saying that I am going to retire and that I am not enjoying it any more and that I will walk away at the end of the season. It is as Nigel Stepney always says, complete bollards.

It is interesting that Eddie Irvine is queueing up to kick The Schum when his points are down. He still hasn’t forgiven me for not helping him enough in 1999 when he could have been World Champion. Well, I have a message for you, Eddie.
“F*** off you jealous, talentless bastard!â€￾ It’s no more Mr.Nice Guy time.

If I am going to win my 8th World Championship I am going to do it by making the team put all their efforts into my car, I am going to give a good tongue-lashing to Bridgestone, I am going to see if Max can change the rules for qualifying so we can exploit our large fuel tank, I am going to drive aggressively on the track and take no prisoners, I am going to sneer at Ted Kravitz when he asks me a particularly stupid question (even for him). Yes, same old Schum. We can do it if you believe in me.

The Schum

u dont expect me to read all of that do u?

mmmmm no

Mildly ammusing.

it must be just me I find it f**k funny.... but then if you don't watch or follow much F1 .......

LOL
very funny
but Shu, i think your time might be over...at least now you'll have more time to spend with the kids, hahaha