Hello there my unfulfilled but still patient tifosi chums.

It is not fun being a World Champion in 2005. The team has performed badly, the car is off the pace and people are beginning to ask questions about motivation.

Yes, it’s no fun being at Sauber right now, but things will get better. Jacques knows that. Franck Montagny might get the drive...

At Scuderia Marlboro Vodafone Ferrari we have also our own problems to get through because as you have seen from Bahrain, the new car is suffering problems in the stone-through-the-radiator area.

Of course that was a giant Pinocchio nose lie I told the medium after my car lost its hydraulics, but it is an explanation I like so much I think I will use it every time I retire now, even if it's most obviously tyres.

I have said that the risk was worth taking to bring the new F2005 to Sakhir and I still believe this is so. We saw that when it was quick, it was quick. Unfortunately, when it was retired it was retired.

At Imola we will show the rest of the grid that they are not wise to doubt the pace of our new car and will score a crushing 1-2 victory from lights to flag. Either that or Alonso will win again, one of the two.

It is most fascinating to me to see Red Bull’s “old greybeardâ€￾ slagging onto his former team, McLaren. David Coulthard, who I have re-christened greybeard because of his grey beard, does not waste an opportunity to dish the dirtiness. This last race he called Montoya a fat person. How long till we get onto the jokes about Kimi and the lap dancing club…?

There were a lot of rumours that Juan-Pablo had got his injury driving too fast and falling off a motorbike. It’s nice to know that he tries hard at some things.

It was very curious to see that BAR-Honda had appointed Gil de Ferran as a sporting director to solve their problems. Hmm, let me see: The brakes are crap, the engines blow up, there is no downforce at the front end, how do we fix this…yes, we hire a sporting director.

Honda are two fins short of a sushi salad if they think a guy with no major experience of F1 can come in and transform the team. It’s okay being quick in America, but to give you a football comparison, F1 is the Champions League and ChampCar is the Bundes League Division 3 (North).

The greatest F1 sporting director of all time is of course Jean Todt and he brought along his fiancée, Michelle, to the Bahrain race. Somehow I don’t think it brought us good luck. She is an actress and I had never seen her act before, but she was obviously very famous because people kept trying to attract her attention and shouting, “Michelle Yo!â€￾ Strangeness indeed.

The Scuderia are being criticised for not opening their team radio channels to the TV broadcasters, but quite honestly I am glad because Rubens language is not appropriate for a family show. Okay, he gives the impression of being this little Mr Nice Guy who wouldn’t say boot to a goose, but in the car he is transformed into sweary Mary.

When I retired in Bahrain I was listening to his race broadcasts and it was all “*****ing de la Rosaâ€￾ this and “****ing Buttonâ€￾ that, “you complete ****!â€￾ and “****, ****, ****! My ****ing tyres are ****ing fading!â€￾

One thing that did crack a smile onto my face occurred in the paddock after the race. Cora Schumacher came up to me and smiled, “Well, Michael, how does it feel to be the third best German driver in F1?â€￾ I said “I’m not sure, you better ask Ralf, he’s had far more experience of it. Ever since Heinz-Harald retired.â€￾

Keep the faith my tifosi, I will be bouncing back!

The Schum