Hello my totally under-rewarded tifosis. You are the reason I keep going and I love you.

Even though I am third in the Drivers' Championship – and I am hardly believing this is true given the bad results I have had – you can guess it has been a season to forget.

I think the Chinese people at the Chinese Grand Prix must think I am the Takuma Sato of F1. Before they had a race in the country, Bernie and the promoters were making much publicity about F1 and how I was the big guy, the Champion etc and I was the most famous driver in the world.

But when I get to Shanghai it is like I put on the clown shoes to go and drive a comedy race. Running for two years I have had a disastrous performance. Somebody told me it was because of their mystical Eastern religion and that I was having bad "chi" energy in my name. The simple thing I need to fix it is reduce the number of letters and go into the race calling myself Michael Schui – as in Feng Shui – and I will achieve balance.

Anyway it is all water through the bridge and I will make sure that the 2006 race is one to remember.

It is funny that Jenson Button is getting so many sticks for saying that women drivers would be getting their dumplings in the way of driving and would not be able to race for one weekend a month because of their bad temper. That to me sounds like Juan Montoya; he is so often in the bad temper.

It would be a nice thing to have more women in F1, but how long will it take to happen? The only short term solution I can see is to put Takuma Sato in a dress.

It is most surprising to see so many people giving Jenson a hard time for his comments, which were quite obviously meant as a joke. When my Scottish friend David – greybeard - Coulthard wrote a very funny joke in F1 Racing magazine he didn't get any reaction at all. DC joked: "There are only two certainties in life – death, and a nurse." Which I thought was very funny. But he did not get outraged nurses phoning him up or writing stupid comments all over the internet. I think it is because Jenson is young and rich and ginger and people do not like that.

Nigel Stepney is passing me a video of a series run by ITV (the people who think it is worth paying money to Ted Kravitz to say stuff like "good race Michael?" with a stupid grin all over his face when I have buried the car in the barriers) called Formula Women. It has a lot of women driving around a circuit in Mazda RX8 cars and it is like a cross between touring cars, stock cars and accidental rallycross. I have not laughed so much since Ralf told me he was marrying Cora.

Though Luca, Ross and Jean are putting on brave faces for 2006 everyone is worried about Marlboro stopping sponsoring us in 2006 with the world tobacco ban. What are we going to do for our winter skiing break now? Everybody loves going to the Marlboro skiing week in Madonna di Campaglio, it will not be the same. And if they think they are all coming to Schateau Schumi, my newly built ranch-style French chateau, they are totally in wrong anticipation.

Luca Montezemolo already owes me a big favour for lending my name to the Fiat Stylo Schumacher. Quite honestly and obviously and honestly and obviously I thought they might put my name to a good-looking car with a bit of classiness, like a Maserati or an Alfa Romeo, But no, the Stylo is a dishwasher they painted red. It should be called the Lack-of-Stylo.

And there's nothing to stop Toyota adding Ralf's surname to a really great car like the new 200mph Lexus LF-A. While mine gets stuck onto an appliance for housewives.

Finally some good news from our "friends" at the FIA.

Though we do not know what everyone else's V8s will be like in 2006 at least we will not be having the same tyre nightmares as 2005. Max rang Jean and told him he would "sort the Bridgestone tyre problem out" and now with tyre changes in the races we will be able to go balls out fast and not be like Le Mans 24 hour racers.

I can see two people, one short, one tall, getting a very nice Christmas bonus.

Until my December message, tifosis, auf widersehen.

The Schum