Hello my big tifosi wombats and bonza cobber mates (I have learnt Australian). And a big “G’dayâ€￾ to all the Aussie Sheila girls who I am meeting in the Vodafone beach volleyball tournament.

Quite honestly I have never seen women like that before. You might have seen the picture of one of them in a pre-grand prix event, organised by Vodafone on the beach, lifting me up in Melbourne and throwing me around as if I were Nick Heidfeld. It was a lot of fun and of course I let her do that.

Rubens got very frightened and ran away. Obviusly in Australia this is how they pick up their men – by the bottom cheeks.

I got dumped out of the beach volleyball and not long afterwards I got dumped out of the first race. Clearly I was not going to do any damage deliberately to my car and I was most surprised to have Heidfeld’s BMW-Williams slither and slide into me.

Did he really think I was going to let him come inside me, brake and take the corner?
That was the kind of overtaking move you make in PlayStation knowing that your car will survive, despite lots of bits falling off. And afterwards he was saying I closed the door? He is a cheeky midget.

Ross Brawn is telling me that in England they have based a Hellmans mayonnaise advert on him with the catchphrase “You Know The Little Squirt Is Rightâ€￾

Though I know Ralf is whining about getting dumped from the Williams team every five minutes, I think he has done a really nice deal to get the Toyota drive. Not only does he get a team that thinks he is a great guy, he gets a good engine, more money than David Coulthard (but who doesn’t) and they make Jarno Trulli dress up like Cora Schumacher.

Honestly, when I saw Jarno Trulli’s hair, I thought we were having the first woman in F1 this season (actually second if you count Thierry Boutsen). I know I am advertising the L’Oreal hair products in the past, but he could start his own haircare range soon.

It is in fact most scary to look at.

There is much amusement up and down the pitlane about my pocket money confession. Everyone is telling me what a tight-fistwad I am by only giving my children two euros pocket money a week. This is in fact not true.

Gina Maria gets three euros and Mick gets two. Gina Maria is lucky to get three after she told Luca Montezemolo I was playing football in 1999 when I had told the team that my broken leg would not be better till the end of the season.

Of course I should have said Table Fussball, but you always are thinking of these things afterwards. Anyway they get paid a small amount to teach them the value of money. They can earn extra by polishing the trophies in my new Trophyhalle, or by making the security guards cups of coffee.

Right now I am concentrating on preparations for the Malaysian GP in Sepang which is always a supreme test of ultimate fitness. That is why I like it so much and usually win.

My biggest problem is engines. The new rules statement that if they give me a new one in Malaysia, then I will have to carry it to Bahrain. Howevers, if I am taking it to Bahrain I cannot have the new car, because my old engine will not fit into the back of the new car only the old one. Which means that Rubens would get his hands first upon the beautiful new car before the Schumster.

This is not in my plot. Indeed it would feel very strange to be in the old car while Rubens leads me in the Championship in the new one. But I tell you, it is still not as strange as being picked up by the testicles by an Australian girl called Nolene.

Wish me a nice race in Sepang my tifosi cobblers.

The Schum

Hmmmmm he certainly has a way with words!!!

i love this